Nonsense

While chatting with a christian, he told me that god spoke to him as a lion in his dreams and that he thought that god loved him very much, evidentally more than others.

first hearing this it sounds like the most rediculous thing i've ever heard, so i asked him how he new it was "god". he said that he answered with the question: "how do you know that a friend is in your dream? I know i can't describe every detail of them, such as how their hair was, their eye color, what they were wearing in the dream, what they said... etc... Would you be able to answer and prove it was them? same with god, i just knew it was him." No one can prove any dream, obviously, and if anyone tried to explain their dreams they seem silly. so maybe those men who wrote the bible had a dream and desided to publish it. just like the Salem Witch triles in the way that the girls framed anyone they didn't like or was an outkast in the town. in this case the men did the same with women and homosexuals. Maybe they were just dumped by a girl and maybe the girls ended up being lesbian or something. But either way, people were stupid enough to believe them, the witch accusations and the much longer ago The Bible. We know so much now. Back then we hadn't a a clue of Evolution and reliegion was the just the easy way to explain everything. we have grown intellectually in the past three centuries, some of us look so stupid. why don't we break off from this nonsense?

I'm not stupid, i'm not stupid

i'm sure someone else has to tell themselves that, it's not just me in the spotlight.

"out of it"

Do you ever just awake from everyday life and look at yourself and things aroud you? those things you do everyday that are engraved in your head to do but you forgot for one moment because you are "out of it" out of your fray?...... perhaps when you're nervous or offended/scared or feel as though you have to compete with someone. this happens to me all the time, maybe middle school i was just "out of it". do we forget how to be ourselves and someday we wake up and just do it?

Bye Bye

If you really think about the words we say everyday, they sound so rediculous. they sound so dumb and weird. like random syllables and random sounds just scrambled together, and if you think like this they don't make sense, like making sense is impossible. if english doesn't make sense then what does? is the world just jibberish? like if you examine one long word and break it down into small words and smaller and smaller what do those small words mean or where did they come from? where did the language come from, what if you said something random on the streets and someone picked it up and just started saying it and it was you were a part of this new word or language. is what we say just music? all things good are high pitched and the bad things low pitched and those high and low pitches just adapted and morphed into different letters and symbols. is music the language of our ancient ancestors?

The Big IF

If only people know who is inside me they would know who makes up me. i feel i am two people, sure this may sound skitzz but dnt think of me think of ivy. i am a person who attacks themselves and lives in between the floor of the upstairs and the ceiling of the downstairs. i have scratches from nothing and no one, i walk on the playgrounds alone and i have some drug addiction i don't know i really have. i skulk and i dont have any real friends. this is ivy. i am nothing. no one reads me and no one cares, they really do, i just don't know that. the other me lives in a normal house and is extremely insicure, just i don't want to show it and i preech to other people about how weak others are, but here i am quivering in a corner with my percentage of ivy thrawling though i dont speak afraid my sister will come in and crack me. So i guess i am three people because one person is comparing the two from their perspective.

Perhaps my Flaws

Why do i get up every morning when i know at one point my throat will start bleeding, or i'll want to kill myself. why? what's the point of getting up everyday when you know you're not this or that and you know you have nothing to give to the world, just another person to feed on its air. i know i'm trapped in a bottle with no flowers in it and no water… maybe some water, just not enough. when i try to climb out, i always run out of steam.

Where did i go? i know i wasn't always like this, but i seriously can't remember a time where i liked myself and when i stick my neck out be afriad that someone will come back with an insult like you're fat or what have you.

things get under my skin a lot easier these days and i miss the days where i didn't care what others thought, and i really did run from school when i was close enough to take the short cut and run home.when i got the chance.

i replay so many circumstances in my head of how i could have acte differently and how i could have stood out more. maybe have the still life be really zoomed in, or walk out of gym class during the rainforest unit with all the setup jungle gyms and sense i never was athletic i hated this and i never partook in it anyway, no one would notice. i also thought of doing a starfish or sea horse instead of the genaric fish that our art teacher made us do paint every year. Or simply not get nervous every time i read in front of the class or did some shit/book report presentation then i'd have at least one thing positive to look back on. i wish i would have broken the fence when there was nothing to lose.

What Am I Doing WronG?

At a family friends' house and i am being polite and helpful, as i almost always am. it was after the lunch/afternoon salade thing which was the most tasty salade i have ever had!, but anyway i had walked outside to get something from the car and 'rehab' by amy winehouse was playing on the radio when i was walking back down the stairs. i commented on the song like so "this song is so great" or "god, i love this song" and then i hear our friend who was a "is she making another snide remark or something?". i was a far away but close enough to hear her. i felt so insulted, it was a negative bitchslap. i try to be nice and i think i am, or am i really like that, making "snide" remarks? God damn it, why are teenagers so insacure?!