This week has Kicked my Ass

The words are crisp and salty with a readable aftertaste. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have sat behind a desk clutching the bars on the sides to somehow soothe my trembling body. So I will repeat myself by saying; this week kicked my ass. Sunday to Tuesday, I prepared a speech on the Writers Strike of which I agreed with. I was the third to go in class but luckily not the only one to shake profusely. I felt like I was hyper ventilating; I had memorized the speech entirely but I forgot to breathe before saying my conclusion. I don't really remember what happened next. Today, Thursday, I woke up at 5 to memorize yet another disaster; a French summary of this ridiculous story for an oral test, my first one-- I should add. Because it's my hardest and favorite class I feel most obligated to succeed but should that risk my sanity? I think not. Yeah, that test sucked.
So, I will repeat myself when I say; This week kicked my ass, and I may have to add that this semester or year has as well. And next year is Junior Year and it will be even worse. great. right?

I CHANGED My Posted Secrets

I'm not really sure if this is a good idea or not to let the internet listen to my secrets because who knows what could happen. I feel somewhat strange because I can think of SO many secrets I have kept from everyone in my life; they're just woven in and the blanket is still warm with them. I don't know exactly if that's good or bad, but it's me. I don't know if I'm "meant" to live a "double" life or not, it's just been that way ever since I can remember.
So here goes....

• I feel like she's watching me ALL the time so I constantly correct what I say, do or write.Before I began to explain to you what I had corrected in the sentences before, but I couldn't because then I'd have to tell you what she doesn't want you to know.
• At least once a day I consider suicide. Just to see how others would react to my death. It's not that I lack attention or something, it's just ever since the incident with Nick Browning I like to ponder what the school would do if I died. Who would come to my funeral. Who would fake their friendship with me. Which family member would wander into my room first to find some sort of clue or to recollect. What my family would say about me. Who would understand me? And most importantly what or whom would drive me to my boiling point? Why the hell would I die in the first place?
• At school I am the most different person I have ever known. I don’t even know myself, well I do, but the kid inside me definitely doesn't. I am outgoing, free and smart and thin and happier. I can't really say the same for myself at home. (It's so emo, but I'm not laughing. It's really how I feel. That's why I love school so much)
• Every time my mom yells at me I imagine myself jumping out my window, onto my roof and soon off of it, she would want me not to, and for that second I would feel important.

I know I have more, but I don't think the Internet is their bell jar.

My 200th Post

It is currently raining, and I feel inclined to go outside and exercise, but it's freezing. I'm thinking that it's bizarre to feel more inclined to step outside my house on a rainy day rather than a perky sunny one. Just like how the TV is more captivating without sound than with it.



It's hard to say something that people may want to actually read. I have no idea what people really want to read, seeing that I really don't like reading. It really is boring. Following line after line of a blankly colored page. I guess you could say I'm more visual. But would I be more visual in a world lacking as much technology we have accumulated. I mean what would you rather do, listen to your Ipod or read Red Badge of Courage?

The Real Bitch

I HATE HOW BADLY CHRISTIANITY HAS TOYED WITH OUR BRAINS!

I swear every time I look up at the ceiling I freak because I feel like people will think I'm praying to LORD JESUS! or "God" when really I'm just relaxing. Also, whenever I say "God only knows" I constantly have to correct myself because people take it So seriously; they think I'm fucking Christian and "Godsy" when I am completely NOT. It truly is the real Bitch.

Translate Much?

It's hard to know what anyone is talking about. And I don't mean when people whisper or mouth something to you and you don't understand them even after the, like, 23rd time. What I'm talking about is, that it's so hard in understanding why people do what they do. Why do they not talk to you as much anymore? Is it because I said "jew" instead of "Hebrew" or a "jewish person," or is it because my ass is fatter than them? (if that's the case then they must be anorexic). Or how bout when someone changes their plans. For a split second the thought that they don't like me, races through my head but then collapses. But then I try and try to understand why they would. By the end of my thought process, I usually ponder them spending time with their boyfriend, being sick, or having it be that-time-of-the-month (REBA TIME!).